Am so responsible, can hardly stand myself-- hauled my carcass outta bed at 9.30 after not nearly enough sleep sp I could deposit my paycheque and go to Westfield to get my car inspected. Had lunch with V., then drifted over to Lord & Taylor's for a few Yule prezzies for Mom and Grandma. Am proud of myself that I managed to refrain from buying myself a prezzie as well, a lovely silk jaquard bathrobe in slvery-white, ahhhhhh. Going to watch I Spy with Joe tonight, I hear it's the best Eddie Murphy movie in years.
Am having great trouble finding decent Yule cards. Am v. disappointed. ( 4:47 PM )
D. and I had lengthy and painful conversations last night about my suspicion that we're addicted to each other-- we feel terrific when together, miserable when apart, and in general destroy each other's lives. We've decided to stop all extraneous contact with each other-- only "important" communications are allowed. The relationship equivalent to going cold turkey...
Sad that it comes to this but what else can we do? I've been here six months and I'm just as miserable, bitter, sad, lonely, and hurt as when I got here-- there's been no improvement at all. I might even be worse. Have to move on and start to heal or we'll be basket cases the rest of our lives. This will be like a bandaid-- best to rip it off quickly instead of tugging it a little at a time-- excruciating but then it's over, instead of enduring a near-constant pulse of pain forever.
On another note, have lost 5 pounds this week. Yay me! Am still tired of salad, however.
( 12:33 PM )
Am v. rushed and busy today, which is how I prefer it. Last week was deadly dull. Had a killer headache last night, and it's threatening to return today-- am trying to stave it off with massive applications of Aleve, as I can ill afford to be out of commission this weekend-- my papers are due on Monday and I have a looooooong way to go toward finishing them.
Also, must have car inpected tomorrow am -- finally got the light and gas cap fixed so am legally operational, only needing stamp of approval. Cost over $30 to get the new lightbulb put in, a rip-off, I feel.
( 12:17 PM )
From today forward am only working 5 hours/day, as I need more time to do schoolwork and simply decompress-- I need my meditation time or I'm worthless and stressed out. It will also compress my workdays so I'm more productive instead of leaving periods of idle, brain-dulling boredom.
Found a strange site today -- the photos of Michael Jackson are horrific in a train-wreck sort of way. Odd pics of the strange, weird, and bizarre
Another weird site: Corset- and ballet toe-shoe-wearing freako ( 3:44 PM )
Yesterday turned out to be v. nice! Goes to show how accurate my pessimism is... work was brisk and went v. fast, and at the meeting in the PM we had cake and pie to celebrate my and B.'s birthdays. Came home, and Mom had bought me 3 bouquets, and she and Gramma were in the middle of cooking a nice supper. I arranged the flowers nicely and set the table upstairs in the dining room and then made the executive decision to skip class for the night.
We had a lovely supper of roast chicken, stuffing, tortellini, cranberry jelly, bread and butter, and gravy, and as we were finishing up, U. called! So I went to chat with him while they cleared up, and V. arrived! While we were all talking I frosted and decorated the cake (chocolate, and lots of it). Then I opened prezzies: Mom had already given me $100, and Gramma will be giving me $50 for new glasses.
D.'s package had arrived, and in it was my prezzie from him: a lovely ceramic Green Man. V. gave me a little box of medieval-style stationary, lovely! as well as a chocolate camera from Brummer's. H. gave me the cutest bday card, with a sweet lil cat face on it. After, V. and I sat around talking and Dad called, promising me gifts of money and jewels. I was sad and disappointed that D. didn't call, esp. when you consider that U., the best man at our wedding, managed to remember, but oh well.
As for today, have brought ChiChi to Bob for replacement of lightbulb, so I can (or rather, the car can) pass inspection. Hope he doesn't charge too much. It's just a stupid lightbulb.
( 12:19 PM )
Well, tomorrow is my 30th birthday. Am not v. pleased about it. In fact, am feeling v. upset about it all-- not because I'm 30 (although, ugh) but more because it's just going to be boring: work, then boring average dinner, then class. No friends, no prezzies, and worst of all, no celebratory sex with my husband. Or anyone else, for that matter.
I don't want to be 30 yet, I'm not ready for it. 30 is when I was supposed to be all set. I'm not ready to face up to my failures yet. I'm worried that i've ended my marriage for nothing. Constantly second-guessing my decision to leave D., some days i'm confident I made he right choice and some days i'm convinced i've destroyed our love for nothing.
In other news, the fetus I miscarried would have been around 2 years old this time of year, which doesn't make any of this any easier to handle either.
( 10:19 PM )
Two musicians I've just "discovered" and am enjoying: Angie Aparo (despite the name, is a man) and Heather Nova. His "Cry" and her "London Rain" are What I'm Listening To recently.
Work is getting more and more boring, today I felt like drilling a hole through my skull to let the boredom drain out. Gah. ( 7:32 PM )
Went to look at houses in Whiting today... have bought (or rather, Mom has bought) a lovely little cottage-style house, beautifully painted inside and cared for. Could be living there as early as mid-December.
This will be a good thing, I feel, as I can work part time and go to college full time and really pay attention to it. Haven't been v. happy with my performance this semester, as have been too fragmented and distracted by work-- it requires all my attention and frankly am resenting the amount of studying and memorization needed, feel it could be put to better use with schoolwork. Also am getting tired of micromanagement, conflicting information, and lack of supervision, esp. these last 2 weeks. ( 12:10 PM )
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