God, am so unmotivated to study. Feeling loneley and depressed and nihilistic in general, cannot stop thinking about D. and what I've done. As time goes on the more I'm convinced that it's all my doing, that I've made a monumental mistake and ruined our lives forever. I have to try to remember that he had an equal part in it all, and that he's not going to change, no matter what sacrifices or compromises I make. Nothing will ever change with him. The painful part is accepting it, and moving on. I don't know how to do that. It seems impossible, insurmountable. I feel like Sisyphus, pushing my broken heart up a hill only to have it roll down again and again. ( 7:35 PM )
Turkey Day went smashingly yesterday, I paced the cooking well so it was only a rush the last five minutes. Cornbread stuffing, butter-basted turkey, mashed tatties, and best of all a Buffy marathon-- saw 4 eps in a row! Got to see "Fool for Love" and "The Gift" specifically, they're much better on a regular screen than as a tiny mpg.
Earlier today an enormous flock of birds was milling and swirling all round the house-- thousands of them, medium-sized black ones. When they rose as one and flew over the house it felt absolutely profound. Am so lonely lately, the idea of being part of a flock (even a mindless one) sounds v. appealing.
Every time I hear "London Rain" by Heather Nova, the lyrics in the middle strike me as so familiar, haunting, really. "And when somebody knows you well/Well there's no comfort like that/And when somebody needs you/Well there's no drug Iike that." Sure explains a lot of the misery I'm enduring over being separated from D.
And why the hell can't I accept that it's over? If all that our relationship ever was was feeding each other's addictions to what the other can provide, why can't I just move on to the next provider? Why do I have such a need to feel necessary to someone, anyone? It's prolly a large part of my desire to have children-- to be needed by someone, to need that need so much I'll grow my own little need-fulfiller. ( 4:22 PM )
This man is our president-- I'm so proud. ( 10:12 PM )
Stoopit thought for the day: the phrase "shit from shinola". What in dog's name is "shinola"?
Faith Hill has apparently done a version of Angie Aparo's "Cry", and it is nowhere as good. I hate when people have ruin songs and call it a tribute. ( 12:44 PM )
Apparently, I'm VERN! Which is ok, as I like Vern, and his style of decor. ( 3:19 PM )
Today was crazy-hectic at work, am glad it's over and I can return to the "sanity" and "calmness" of home and then class tonight. If I have to do much more of this clerical stuff someone's gonna get hurt. And not in the sexy way.
Am still disgruntled* about the grade I received on my paper about 12 Angry Men. The prof. told me to review My Cousin Vinny instead. Am wondering if she fellated her way through lawschool and past the bar. Who in their right mind believes that My Cousin Vinny is a better "legal" film than 12 Angry Men? It really chaps my ass to think that I slaved over that paper for days and got a B-, and those vapid lil twinkies in my class saw Erin Frigging Brockovich and threw together a paper in a few hours and probably received at least B+.
On a positive note, dear pal S. up in the Soo sent me a v. lovely friendship sign thingy, framed n' everything. The brave soul insists she's going to come visit in February or summat. Now, there's devotion-- NJ in February is almost as dismal as Sudbury in February. Well, ok, nothing even comes close to being as dismal as Sudbury in February, but if anything approaches it, it's NJ. Unless it would be, like, Calcutta, or post-war Berlin, some horrid grey Ukrainian factory town. But am digressing. My point is, she's a sweetie.
* What is the opposite of disgruntled, gruntled? Have never heard of any happy person being called gruntled. In fact, does not sound like a v. happy word.
Listening to: Goodnight Moon by Shivaree ( 2:48 PM )
The Colossal Colon sounds like some wacked-out MST3K show but it's a real thing... some people are just weird. And that's me saying this. ( 9:47 PM )
Something Positive, one of the most messed up comics I've ever had the pleasure of reading. ( 4:56 PM )
Ruminate This blog http://ruminatethis.com/ ( 10:44 AM )
Funny blog http://www.dissociatedpress.net/ ( 9:56 AM )
Have finally returned home after a weekend of carousing and shirking of duties-- went to 100 Minute's War on Saturday, spent most of the day trying to avoid T. as he really looks weird and I wasn't in the mood to deal. Had the distinct impression he'd have dogged my heels the whole day, and not up for that as I wasn't feel quite the thing: had to walk FAR to park the car and walk up a hill to the site, back was screaming. Then realized I'd left ALL my class materials at Val's; got a terrible headache from all the tension, and hunger and thirst. So, to summarize: first few hours sucked.
However, once people (P., M., A.) started arriving things brightened considerably. P. stuck by me most of the afternoon, shopping w. me-- I found a Canuckian merchant who'd take my Monopoly money and so I bought a pile of dark red raw silk, midnight blue even-weave linen, and some lovely understated trim. Saw that hot leather n' armour merchant, the big tall quiet one w. the dark blond hair in ponytail and reddish beard. The fact that he's a dead ringer for D. was merely a coincidence, I tell you.
Dayboard had been adequate, if unimaginative (the beef noodle soup was excellent, however) but feast was just... odd. Boring chicken soup, boring chicken (redundant, yes) they tried to dress up w. grape sauce, turnips au gratin (too much turnip, not enough gratin), cold green beans aumondine. Second remove: chunk o' roast lamb wasn't bad but the clumps of barley accompanying it looked too much like lymph nodes for me to happily eat it. Lemonade to drink, but it ran out too soon and then we had to drink tepid tap water. However, we (V, M, A, and I) had a grand time together and so elevated the meal to wonderful.
Afterward got L to drive me to the car and he made a pass at me. Sweet fellow but as he's married and I like his wife, and actually I'm married too (although for how long, who knows...) so no matter how you slice it, it's wrong. Too bad about the morals and ethics thing, as am v. horny. Sigh.
Should have attended study group today but the opportunity to hang w. V, M, and A again was too seductive-- were supposed to see Harry Potter but V decided she was too fagged so we just went to dinner, ended up at The Hawke Inn in Lamberville, v. nice place with super wallpaper (tone-on-tone dk. green stripe). V. elegant, good food: V got roast pork, M had the osso bucco, A had a good-looking burger, and I had roast port sammich w. chipotle bbq sauce on herb focaccia bread. The homemade chips were v. greasy so I requested their garlic tatties, which were superb. No dessert, as were all too stuffed. Walk back to the Jeep was refreshing, Lambertville and New Hope are fabu in late autumn. ( 10:18 PM )
|
