Got my paper done, at last, what an ordeal. And what a crappy film. I think the disappointment has to do with the fact that the movie was actually pretty good until the obligatory car chase, wild-eyed hostage threatening, and alligator-wrasslin' at the end. Gah.
Music: am listening to "The Diamond Road" by Sheryl Crow, and loving the fact that it's just so totally Buddhist. Take a gander at the lyrics (my notes in parens):
Walk with me the diamond road (Buddhism is often called "the diamond path")
Tell me every story told (reference to the Sutras)
Give me something of your soul (the sharing of yourself with others)
That I can hold onto (this is the only line that's not Buddhist-- not supposed to hold onto or cling to anything, but to let it go. but perhaps it's a clue that the singer isn't a buddha yet either, but still struggling with attachments herself)
I want to wake up to the sound of waves (in Zen, enlightenment is often referred to as occurring with/due to a sudden noise)
Crashing on a brand new day (we have countless opportunities to start again-- kalpa after kalpa)
Keep the memory of your face (remember everything and learn from it)
But wipe the pain away o (but don't dwell on it, that's attachment)
CHORUS:
When you're lonely --you¹re not alone-- (we are all interconnected)
When your heart aches --on Diamond Road-- (it is v. hard to follow the Path, as you have to leave behind all those addictions)
It¹s gonna take a little time (don't expect it to happen overnight)
Yeah, it¹s gonna take a little time
When the night falls --you¹re not alone-- (there's no escape from suffering)
When you¹re stumbling --on Diamond Road-- (we all have lapses into unBuddhalike behaviour)
It¹s gonna take a little time (have compassion for yourself, the journey is a long one)
To make it to the other side o (achieving enlightenment is quite often referred to as "crossing the river" or "going to the other shore"
So don¹t miss the diamonds along the way (live in the present, as Gautama told us, instead of living in the past or future)
Every road has led us here today (there are few coincidences, and everything is as it should be)
Little bird, what¹s troubling you (don't forget the concept of karma-- you could have been a bird once)
You know what you have to do (our duty to the precepts and 8fold path is clear)
What is yours you¹ll never lose (our hearts, minds, and souls cannot be taken from us)
And what¹s ahead may shine (enlightenment. 'nuff said)
Beneath the promise of blue skies (ditto)
With broken wings we¹ll learn to fly (we all start out with crippling problems, and following the Dharma allows us to overcome them)
Pull yourself out of the tide (but it's something we have to do ourselves, no one can do it for us)
And begin the dream again (reference to rebirth as well as keeping faith that Buddhahood is possible for all, even us)
CHORUS
So don¹t miss the diamonds along the way (don't get so involved in the esoteric that you miss the simple beauty around you - v. Zen)
Every road has led us here today (learn from circumstances)
Won¹t you shine on, Morning light (Gautama Buddha is often referred to as the light in the darkness)
Burn the darkness away (eliminate delusion and attachment)
Walk with me the Diamond Road
Tell me everything is gold (everything is a lesson, every being a teacher)
Give me something of your soul
So you don¹t fade away (sounds like fear of the final journey to me... those who don't understand the nature of enlightenment often mistake it for a nihilistic sort of oblivion. this explanation could work if we accept that the singer is on the Path as well, and having a few problems)
CHORUS
Don¹t miss the diamonds along the way
Every road has led us here today
Life is what happens while you¹re making plans (advice to live in the present instead of what could be)
All that you need is right here in your hands. (or as Pema Chodron puts it, "start where you are")
( 8:53 PM )
Yesterday was INSANELY busy so did not get a chance to write. A decent day, tho.
Got my new glasses, they look really good-- sort of a light coppery colour, very pretty really. Taking a long time to get used to them. I cancelled the other lenses, that'll save me $240. And the books I ordered came, so now I have HP and the Goblet of Fire, and the two Swedish decorating books, which have inspired me to fix up this dump and also given me ideas on what to do when we move.
Re: the car issue: we'll put it on Mom's cc and I'll pay her back for the next 100 years. How the fuck am I supposed to get ahead when this shit keeps happening? Really hard to keep one's spirits up. ( 12:24 PM )
Learned today that my car will cost $1800 to fix, and not only that, but the place my mom had it towed to will charge $450 for its "free" towing and diagnostic if we don't hire them to do the repairs. So I can't even junk the fecking thing without being $450 in the hole.
My glasses are ready today. I was able to save about $240 by having them send back the special lenses for computer use... but no worries. What's a few blinding headaches when money's at stake? Still have $400 on the mattresses to pay for, and next semester's classes and fees and books to pay for (that'll be at least $500, prolly more like $750), and $600 for car insurance.
So totalled up it's over $4000 that I have to come up with, somehow. I'm ready to sell a fucking kidney at this point. ( 6:26 PM )
Today am feeling overwhelmed in general-- work is v. hectic and there's so much to do, on tight deadlines, with no time to do it as I have to rush home to pick up the slack w. keeping house due to Mom's knee trouble preventing her from being able to walk. And, oh yes, trying to finish up all the work due for my classes (both of which I missed this week thanks to all the fun excitement on Monday. Thanks, D.!).
On the divorce front, am actually feeling rather relieved and free, today... liberated. There's so much I can do with my life now that I don't have D. slung around my neck like an anchor-- can you imagine trying to travel the world with him bitching about the food every ten minutes?
And that's if we ever managed to earn enough money to ever even take a sodding holiday to begin with! Not bloody likely. He's going to be poor the rest of his life, like his father-- brilliant, talented, and destitute, the lot of them.
Oh well. No longer my problem.
In other news, this site is hysterical.
And finally, a complete non-sequitur: I hate Tori Amos' music. Sucks like a tornado. It is nothing more than random notes plunked on a piano as Tori howls stream-of-consciousness words in the background. Is horrible, and played waaaaaaaaaay too often on Spinner-- am beginning to actually get a headache when I hear it, and can't change the station quickly enough. ( 8:37 PM )
Well late last night my upset and sadness turned to anger, a lovely bright-white blade of it. It's good that D. is 700 miles away because if I'd be anywhere remotely near him, there'd have been bloodshed and I'd be in jail right now. I wrote him an email in reply to his "dear john" to me, but it was nowhere near as cruel as I originally wrote it-- I toned it down considerably. Could dismember him with a rusty hatchet at this moment.
What a useless, lousy bastard he is. A liar and a coward, as well. I am well rid of him. Rubbish in the bin, as far as I'm concerned. ( 3:48 PM )
D. sent me a "dear John" email today. My reaction was predictable - I freaked out, completely. Hysterics, hyperventilation, dry heaves, frantic pacing around the block in a daze, collapsing on the floor, catatonic staring until Mom gave me a sedative and now I feel numb and disconnected. That's the only reason I'm able to type this now without breaking down again. Currently, I'm beginning to notice a furious pain in my abdomen. And so cold, like I'll never be warm again.
D. accused me of a lot of things in his email. Conveniently, he left out the parts where he rejoiced over my miscarriage (not "our" miscarriage, never any part of *him*) ignored my depression, and never took me seriously. He mislead me when we married, promising me he'd be with me forever, and that we'd move off the island. Well, forever sure as hell isn't only 4 years later, and he's still on that goddamned rock.
I gave him everything, all of me. All I was. I gave up everything and everyone for him. He says I broke his trust, but I never had it to begin with. Always living in the shadow of a legend - his mother. No one can live up to that. When I failed at that, he felt betrayed. I never had any chance of success. Did he set me up for a fall? Did he want me to fail at being Bonnie Jr.? And prove to him his fear that love hurts?
He accused me of being manipulative. We all know what accusations indicate: that the accuser is guilty of the same.
I don't know his motives. I don't even know mine. I don't know what to do or how to go on. My heart is broken, really and truly broken. His betrayal of his promises to me hurt the most. I know now he never really loved me-- I was just a tool for him to feel loved and desired. I was someone to fuck. I was a gravy train-- after all, who's living in his own beautiful house with a great vehicle, and who's living in her mother's fecking attic with a hand-me-down old beater of a car? ( 11:35 PM )
Went to an oracle site, and this is what came up:
Past - Kronos' Shadow
Overthrow, End, death, disease and decay, unwillingness to change in the face of the inescapable. Regression, recession. Selfishness.
Present - Helios' Shadow
Unwise decisions, arrogance leading to a downfall.
Future - Astraea's Shadow
Loss or change, but within the context of what is aligned with a lifepath. Renunciation and surrender.
So there we go. Unwillingness to change in the face of the inescapable, unwise decisions, loss and change and surrender. These I need to do to progress. ( 6:47 PM )
I'm totally distracted, depressed, and distraught. Can't keep my mind on anything other than my marriage, or what's left of it. Was supposed to study this whole 4-day weekend, and I ended up struggling for 1/2 hour before giving up. I can't stay focussed, and getting motivated is totally out of the question. I just can't seem to care about anything but D.
I cry all the time, and can't find purpose in my life. I am seething with emotion towards him, and utterly numb toward everything else. I couldn't care less at this point if I were fired, arrested, caught on fire, hit by a bus-- and all the sites online dealing with divorce are parent-oriented, so I basically get to sit here and sob ceaselessly.
( 4:47 PM )
Terrific site about archaeological excavation in England, from the Beeb's Ch. 4 again. Channel 4 - Time Team 2002. ( 1:34 AM )
And another one, this by the Beeb's Channel 4 in England. ( 1:12 AM )
A fine Father Ted site! Must somehow obtain tapes of show, seeing as how D. simply refuses to do same for me. ( 1:09 AM )
|
