Well, I took a leap today and joined The Free State Project. It's the idea that if they can get 20,000 people to commit, we'll all move to a certain state so we can sway the government toward libertarianism.
I won't move to Idaho, though. Montana, Alaska, Wyoming, and the Dakotas are out too. Only Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Delaware are acceptable places to me-- I'm not TOTALLY insane. ( 6:16 PM )
Gonna uninstall Everquest today. Here are my reasons for disliking it:
1) It's boring-- takes for sodding ever to level up.
2) You're supposed to group with others to get the "full experience" and indeed, if you don't group with others you're pretty much fucked, as there are things that'll kill you right easy. Of course, it's nearly impossible to get anyone to group with you. Mostly, they snarl that you're in their way and killing "their" monsters. So, you end up playing alone and dying often.
3) It's boring-- load times are excruciatingly looooooong.
4) It takes forever to travel around, as they don't have any sort of portal opening system like Diablo, nor do they have waypoints. The closest is their Plane of Knowledge tome system, which is pretty clumsy. You have to travel to a town, then find where the tome is hidden, then touch it to be taken to the PoK. Once there, you have to run around until you find the stone to whichever other town you want to go to. Then you arrive at that town, and must run from that tome to wherever you need to be. Gack.
5) It's boring-- combat consists of clicking on the monster, and hitting a key to auto-attack. Every once in a while, you refresh your spells (I was a bard, so I had songs). Yawn.
When you die, unless you've bound your soul to the closest town, you have to run and run and run from wherever your starting city is to wherever you died, to retrieve your body n' stuff. And it takes for bleeding ever.
6) It's boring-- towns are v. convoluted and twisty, so the simplest tasks are ulcer-makers. You can waste hours wending your way through these towns looking for the bank, for a spell merchant, for someone to sell you food and drink.
7) Armour is hideously, prohibitively expensive, but if you don't have it, you die even more often.
8) It's boring-- the newb areas are filled with easy monsters to kill for experience and items to loot, but (see #1 above) and it is so incredibly dull killing snakes and bats for hours on end.
9) There is no skill tree or spell guide in-game for you to look at. There is no way to see what you need in order to bake, forge, etc. If you try, and it doesn't work, you're left clueless as to WHY.
10) It's boring-- you can't do dick-all until you're at least level 10, and as it takes forever to level, you're stuck farting around the newbie areas killing snakes and bats.
Therefore and to wit, I'm returning the game and getting my money back. Screw that.
( 5:19 PM )
Listening to: "Miserable" by Lit
Got this song running through my head, and the lyrics are so totally right for how I feel about D right now:
"You make me come
You make me complete
You make me completely miserable."
Went antique shopping with Mom and Gramma today, went literally all over NJ but she's waffling. ( 4:45 PM )
I think I may have figured out why people get married and have kids. It all comes down to touch-- to touching. We desperately need to be touched, but we live in a world where everyone's a stranger and you just can't unless there's a damned good reason. So we get married for the sexual kind of touching, and we have children for the non-sexual kind-- so we have someone to feel the warmth of another living being, to have faces to press kisses to and arms that close around us in comfort.
When I was with D in Canada, especially that year I did the day care, there was plenty of touching, hugging, kissing, tickling. There was trust, and love, and comfort. Now there's nothing, and I can't bear how empty my life seems without it. I feel like I would do anything just to be touched again. Suddenly I understand how people become nymphomaniacs-- it's the only way they can think of that results in being close to someone, at least for a short, demeaning while.
And god help me, I've been considering it. No shortage of possibilities-- been hit on at each othe last few events. Could easily take them up on their offers. I'd feel shitty afterward, but at least for a little while someone would want me, want to be near me, want to touch me. ( 9:23 PM )
Went shopping today, got the car transmission its 10-day checkup. All seems to be well, thankfully, as I have hardly any money left after paying for my single class for this semester. Legal Writing-- I hope they don't waste too much time on the English comp. part of it, as I sort of have that down already. Looking forward to real instruction on brief-writing. Will have to take Advanced Legal Research this summer, but I think that might be best, so I will have more time this Spring and Summer terms. Might try my hand at a bit of writing...
The course itself only cost $140, not so bad but when the fees for various "services" are added, it came to $210!! $70 of service fees! I don't *do* anything at this college besides park there, walk to class, attend class, and walk to the car, and drive away. Perhaps they're charging me for the privilege of walking over their grass?
Tried making mayonnaise when I got home but the regular olive oil instead of extra virgin and vinegar instead of fresh lime juice and regular salt for sea salt and regular pepper for fresh-ground pepper and old mustard instead of fresh mustard... well, let's just say it wasn't up to snuff. I used it for lunch but tossed the rest. ( 4:18 PM )
Arse or Elbow? Now you can know for sure how good you are at telling the difference. ( 2:52 PM )
Had an extensive chat session with U tonight. After mulling it over for a few hours, I realize that I have to somehow build faith in myself. No, D doesn't believe in me. No, my mother doesn't believe in me. They both think the worst of me, expecting nothing but disappointment. They place expectations on me that are unreasonable, then berate me when I fail to live up to those expectations. I've spent my whole life dealing with that, and if it's going to end, I have to end it. That's why I separated from Dylon, and now I have to figure out a way to do it to my mother while still living with/near her.
Loving someone doesn't mean you have to accept their abuse. The less I have to do with D the better; it seems pretty clear that he'll be in martyr-mode for the rest of his life-- that everything that went wrong in our relationship was my, and only my, fault. That he was blameless. His abandonment of me cuts deeply, especially after I stayed with him in spite of his callous behaviour after my miscarriage.
Looking back, I see I should have left him then-- for both our sakes. The depression I spiralled into as a result of the miscarriage, his increasing frustration with my limitations because of the depression-- what a nightmare. I only wish we, and his love for me, had been strong enough to work through it all. I can't expect him (or anyone else) to be as passionate as I am about things. My love is strong, very strong, but not everyone's is. D's sure as hell isn't.
God, it hurts to think of how undeserving he is of the amount of feeling I've spent on him. The fact that I misjudged him so incredibly badly. That I honestly believed him when he said he'd be with me forever. That our love, that my love for him, meant something to him, that *I* meant something to him-- that I was worth fighting for and working for. I threw away my love, my life, my soul. I lavished it all on him, and he discarded me. I left everything I had, everything I was, to be with him. For nothing. I was only worth something to him when I wasn't too much bother. When I was giving to him. When it came time for him to give to me, he couldn't be troubled. He used my body, my love, my resources, and threw me away.
His refusal to bend at all took me away from my family, friends, education, career, possibility of children-- I was left with nothing. His insistance that he was always right, correct, sensible and that I was wrong, unreasonable whittled away at the little self-confidence and self-esteem I had until I was dependant on him for everything-- money, transportation, shelter, any and all decisions-- and then he was displeased that I was an emotional cripple. Abandoned me for that, in fact.
I was his creation, a pathetic limping sobbing mess who begged for death as respite from her misery. He created me, and couldn't be bothered to live with what he'd made. Couldn't be bothered to try to fix what he'd done, couldn't be bothered to do anything but send me an email glorifying his amazing sacrifices for me during our marriage, and listing the myriad ways I'd failed him and was undeserving of his effort in patching things back together. No acknowledgement of his part, not even a passing nod to any of his transgressions.
Can't think of anything else to write. I look back over what is written above and am horrified. It's best that it's over. I'm glad it's over. Now I have to learn how to be "me" again, after 4 years of being half of "us". ( 1:23 AM )
Had grand plans for today: diddle with the paperwork for Commerce, then hit the college's Legal Studies dept. and do a shop in Woodbridge. Alas, it was not to be. 5 mins before leaving Mom announces that L is coming over to hoist things down from the attic, and I have to help. This takes up all the time I had to do my errands, and when I complain about it Mom says it's my fault for not doing them this morning. Which is no logic at all, really.
At least dinner was good, sausage and potatoes and onions and garlic roasted in the over, mmmmmm. ( 7:58 PM )
Just realized I never mentioned what occurred at the therapist's. We talked about a lot of things (mostly, what went wrong with D and me) but as had mentioned the little problem I have with seething fury, she suggested I keep an anger journal-- basically, when I'm angry, I'm to document it. So now, have an anger blog. Not to be public, however, as it prolly won't make much sense or be v. interesting. ( 10:56 PM )
Listening to: Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Soul to Squeeze".
Went to Flemington today with V to do shops and have a bit of fun-- ate gourmet pizza at this lovely Italian place on the main street, then perused the shops. Much to my disappointment, didn't get to spend any money (not a single tote or purse leapt from the racks and demanded I buy them!) until we went to Staples, bleh. Spent $40 on office supplies. Life just ain't fair when the only cash you blow in a day of shopping is for non-fun stuff. But at least am on my way to being more organized, as am truly a horrific slob who always loses important documentation.
And so we come to another New Year's Resolution: become less of a horrific slob. Have my work cut out for me. Sigh.
Am feeling blechy again tonight, had to request V leave a little early because of it. Felt blechy Saturday at the event as well, returned to M's early and fell asleep at 9 (!!!!!!) 30. Unbelievable, think the last time was asleep at the time, was 8 years old. Am hoping tummy is better tomorrow, as have lots of college-y type stuff to do, and a shop in Woodbridge.
Got shop docs and emails out tonight, hope they are satisfactory. Am crossing fingers. ( 10:27 PM )
For some reason, am feeling v. lethargic and reluctant to do certain things-- don't know what it is but I'm pretty much paralyzed when it comes to doing things like cleaning my room, doing laundry, fixing the financial aid issue at the college. Basically, the same paralysis I had up in Canada. I don't even know what to call feeling this way, so I don't know what to look for, to see if it's some kind of mental problem, and if there's something I can do for it. I should do these chores, and I want to do them, but I... can't. That's the only way I can describe it: I just can't. It's the weirdest and most unpleasant feeling, to be powerless over myself. But I can't do it.
Have a shrink visit today, so will consult with her about it. Bet ya money she won't ever have heard of it before, and won't know what to say. Hah! I even manage to stupefy the professionals.
( 1:31 PM )
Listening to: Train, "I Am".
This weekend was v. eventful. Drove to M's, weather was horrible (raining v. hard) so I only did one shop in Tinton Falls before just giving up and going to M's. Worked hard at the event, but it was fun. Did my Ocean Co. shops today, came home in heavy snowfall. Tired but happy.
( 7:36 PM )
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